An argument with ME.....

Oh God I can't sleep, I really need to do something, in fact I need anything to do. Something is really wrong with me. Somewhere a part of me is dying in unrest, crying in pain, withering in this wide open emptiness that surrounds me lately. I really need to feed it with work. Gods help me.

{OK djai calm down. hold yourself, put your thoughts together. You can do it. Go find something productive to do.}

Ahhh.... its easy to say. I am shattered into pieces and its becoming impossible to put those pieces together. I don't even know what am I doing for the past one month.

{Come on forget about the past. Start with a new blog post. Now is a good time to pen down something interesting. lets see what we can write about. For start how about the old tree we saw yesterday. Naked, alone, dying, withered but still standing tall waiting for its color to return. Probably the story of our life. This will be easy for you as you are good at complaining about every thing around.}

Naaa... I don't think I am on the same page with that tree and probably its too clay shade to cry out loud publicly in blogs.

{So how about your guilt for the decisions you made. It will be an easy outlet for the grief and pain.}

You mean a post on those decisions that I was compelled to take when there was no solution because it was my responsibility, those decisions which were bound to make me the bad guy, those decisions which make me feel guilty for just being the one to take them. Are you frakking kidding me?

{Ok! Ok! I think that was a wrong string to pull. So how about this emptiness. This freaking state of your mind where you are trapped with your own subconscious, riddling about your next post on the blog, complaining about the things you aren't doing or should I say don't want to do. That will surely make an interesting post. Go ahead.}

Are you out of your mind? What will they think of me- I have gone nuts, out off the rails. Putting up things on the blog that I hear out loud whenever I close my eyes to sleep which probably is just an imagination of my filthy mind. The very thoughts that haunt me for the past couple of weeks out of my freaking, frakking idleness. The insanity I have been living since I lost all the goals of my life. The things I have put on stake for a part of me that wants to be hibernated for good.

Well I suppose you are right, I should put this. You know why, 'cos I dnt care. May be this is the real me. Go on read it once again and comment on it. Call me a freak, crazy, outlandish whatever you want. I really dnt care. I just want to go back to sleep in peace, satisfied that atleast I have done something, I have written something no matters if it is about my freaking paranoia......

.....those days when we were lost

With every piece of my life falling apart, every important thing is going haywire. With hope, faith and destiny conspiring against me, my belief in myself is shaken. I once again stand alone with all my strength drained out fighting for each gasp of breath, waiting for the fiasco to subside. Today I'm confused, lost in my pursuit and most importantly frightened of every step I take.
At this point I come to understand the value of faith in life. Not only it gives you a ground to grow upwards but also the support to expand beneath the surface and this expansion is very important as it gives you the strength to face the storm. Where I am right now is a place of darkness with nothing going my way. Nobody from the sky above is ready to answer my call. There are lost hopes, despair and disappointment in the air around me.. There is no one whom I can blame, my potentials are weak and my team is tired of cutting sorry figures every where.
A push is all I need, a ray of light to shatter the darkness is all what I ask. I know our efforts are sincere but probably it isn't our destiny, I really don't care. I think now is the time for a LEAP OF FAITH........



P.S: This is to all those people who understand the feeling what we had been through those days when we were lost but together, facing the wind, making history 'cos great things are never made easily .....

My Truce...

Parwana- an obsessed lover; a name given to the moth in urdu that is attracted towards Shama- the flame. Well, why is it so, I can only guess. Perhaps the moth is personified as an obsessed lover 'cos it sacrifices its life for the love of Shama.
The divine love between the two has been a muse for many writers, poets & lyricists, who have exquisitely presented the devotion of the Parwana for his love.
But today, going through a metaphorical tunnel that connects me to that Divine Love I realized the other side of the story, the one that is less evident. Sacrificing life to meet his love, a die hard hopeless romantic, Parwana gives an obvious evidence of his love but what if Shama has the same feeling for him too. Unable to express, waiting for the love of her life, she maintains her calm but finally when the time comes, when her lover is there to embrace her, to hold her in his arms for eternity, she helplessly watches her love burning with her. Crying with pain she couldn't even express her love & tell him about the dark, lonely nights she had waited for him.
And now living with a guilt she knows everybody speaks of his sacrifice blaming her as a cause but no one cares for her loss. Nobody knows the pain in which she burns for her entire life, the guilt in her for being the cause,nobody cares. But she knows her love was pristine, her devotion was pious and her dedication was selfless.
She knows, though she was helpless, her soul is committed to him......and this is her truce...... MINE TOO..

Behind the mist....

Why this night seems so hazy? In fact why life seems so pointless? It seems every little thing is hidden behind the mist and i am waiting in a fix for someone to direct me..... I can feel the void stretching and taking me away from myself. life seems to be a puzzle where every piece is falling apart, lost in the throes of a downturn.. I can hear the clock ticking, every second shudders the essence inside me. and I really want to help but there is something I can't understand. HOW?
I am scared... not 'cos I am coward but that numinous feeling is holding me back. Why I have become this way is really an enigma to me, but then a lot of things have been concealed lately. It was hard when i had a point to focus but its harder when its vague. Now life seems purposeless and tough. I stand on a dilemma: whether i should be happy about myself or should remain unsatisfied and lost, waiting for the cards to be dealt.
Whatever my destiny holds i really don't care 'cos that's something i can't change but that fear of uncertainty is gripping me from inside 'cos somethings are going to change.

...and here i miss her again

A smile on her face that gives you every ounce of energy to live…. For which you can move mountains… for which u transcend every barrier and for which u can even die……. Your success feels like nothing without it. You work day in day out to see that one sweet smile and finally when you are there its nothing without it….. Standing in nothingness, where everybody thinks u have had achieved wonders but you feel like devoid of your soul that breathes through you.

Today I know what it feels like to be at the top, still feeling at the EBB. Today when I stand at the most significant junction of my life I miss her smile… that pat on my back, that glow in her eyes. It’s very hard to hide your grief but it’s even harder to show that u r happy. I miss her like she has never been there with me. I miss her as she has never been away from me. I don’t know how to tell her but I miss her today like she has always been somewhere in me.

I know somewhere sitting quietly by the river with a tear or two running down her cheeks and with those heavy eyes she is looking into me like she always used to, peaking into my soul and saying I AM HAPPY FOR U…..