Inception

Past couple of days, there has been turmoil inside my head. A plethora of abstract thoughts running through the sinews of my brains have set my mind-space on an override. It’s very hard to perceive things when every thought that comes to you is wrapped in layers of ambiguity. I don’t know why it has become so difficult to be myself but one thing that I am sure of is that something has shattered my perfect world and has compelled it to collapse by initiating an unending sequence of vague thoughts. It’s really amazing to witness how a person can influence your perfect world just by few words. His every word like a small stone sends millions of ripples on the stagnant surface of your world. For me it was no different. Suddenly I was aware of my actual surroundings, breaking my perception of what is around me. In fact, suddenly I was aware of my true self and this time there was no delusion. Truth indeed is stranger than fiction and harder than any rock when it hits you in circumstances such as mine.
He said we all hide behind a mask, trying to protect our secret, our emotional baggage from the people around us. It was then; I became aware of the masquerade I have been a part of, dancing to the tune of others but still hiding my true self due to the fear of being lacerated in the hands of people I don’t even know completely. He spoke about resistance and fiction. The harder we try to resist change, the harder it gets to move forward. The more we resist, the more we sink in to the pit. It made me conscious of the cocoon I have been living in, resisting my world from the inevitable and living in a fear of losing to something I have never faced. But I ignored the fact that there is always a takeoff before touching great heights. This made me realize the importance of chaos in life. Chaos: a science of process, is mandatory to reach any definite state in life. Like need preludes creation, change preludes success. He defines life as a tapestry carved out of events that bring all kinds of emotions at your pedestal be it happiness, sorrow, frustration, depression or anger. It’s up to us that which flower we pick to decorate our garden. This made me realize the concept of being the architect of our own castle. Perception is all what matters. The glass is always half filled and there is still a hope of getting it filled up to the brim. He wrote about being shattered, living in darkness, being afraid of light but still fighting for a reason because life is more than just about surviving. He paints a picture so beautiful of this dark world that now I feel I don’t need eyes to appreciate the beauty. This beauty has always been inside me but I never had the eyes to witness it. I wish, just for once I could see this world through his eyes and perceive it through his senses so that I can see it crystal clear.
It has really been a thought provoking experience for me. I extend my gratitude to the person who acquainted me to the inception of a new world around me, breaking my conceptions about a perfect world and making me realize that nothing is constant just a perception of constancy that drives us on our path to glory.

DIWALI .... The festival of enlightenment....

After a dozen of unsuccessful attempt to update my facebook status with Diwali greetings, I finally gave up. Not sure of how to put my heartfelt emotions this diwali on a social networking site, I once again took refuge in this universe of unspoken words...The place, presently where I am, provides with ample of opportunities to confuse you about proper word selection for festival greetings, changing the world into a sub-space where festival means a day off from work, where celebrations mean breaking the monotony in dinner menu, where companionship means 15 inch distance from a 15 inch full HD screen, and where excitement means not to wake up to a melodious yet irritating alarm. Painting a picture so clay shade might be an unauspicious omen and moreover complaining about this ironical plight is not my inspiration today, so I would like to start this post fresh and new....

On our way to office yesterday morning I was sitting by the window of the bus, when it suddenly started to rain. The cold raindrops touching my skin left a deep impact and brought a turbulent wave of mixed emotions from within me. In a moment my soul stretched its arms to feel her familiar touch and at the same moment my concsious mind interrupted saying that it isn't possible, but then, there was something in those raindrops which made me feel that my soul won and I could feel the bridge through those tiny, cold raindrops connecting a part of me to the world where my innerslf belongs. Rain has been pick of the gifts that marked the festival this year for me, perhaps because I come from a place where to expect rain at this time of year is quite exceptional. But still this rain quenched my thirst and settled down the restlessness that had been surging inside me throughout this festive season. Confused of what more to expect of this long weekend(its better to call the festival by this name) I had finally given up all the hopes but those drops of rain though metaphorically but still, bridged the hypothetical sub-space to my actual world . They say its the fire that brings light to mankind but this diwali the Rain brought a new light to me. It is this diwali that I experienced that happiness and solace come in small packages. It is this time when I found that the real meaning of festival is about finding a smile even in a raindrop which otherwise never makes a difference in life, experiencing light sitting by the candle in a dark room without electricity, enjoying a parantha after running in search of a resturant from end to end in heavy rain and sipping up a cup of hot coffee with a hope of a better tomorrow.

P.S: It was never about light, it was always about enlightenment....

HAPPY DIWALI

for(day=monday;day<=friday;day++)

"Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. Whether it's by accident or by design, there's not a thing we can do about it" says Mr. Button as he explains through a series of events that how life sometimes plays with you and you seem to be helpless.

His explaination though dramatic made me realize my present state and my collision course. He was lucky enough to live his life backwards and die as a child. Atleast better than living life in a circle and dieing the same death every week. Now time has lost its meaning in my life. What really matter are the days. If its Monday life seems to be young, challenging but cumbersome and tiring. Once its thursday it turns into a rush to get over with it on friday and then there is a full stop, an age of darkness begins as every thing seems to be dull and hazy for complete two days. I get lost, this world seems to have no meaning for me and in my grave I rest (don't know if it is with peace) but I ressurect two days later from my own grave to get born again on monday. Sounds indeed like a miracle. A miracle that made Jesus a mesiah but what if this miracle would have happened to him every week. Would he still have attained this status of being GOD, would people still go to church on every sunday to pay there homage to the greatest miracle on this Earth. If yes then I am on the same path. But that's not going to happen because there seems to be no 'break;' statement in this loop.

Talking of loops and circles reminds me of Mahabharat where Dhananjay was the only one who knew to survive the circles of death, that time known as 'Chkravyuha'. But I suppose times have changed now. It seems, Dhananjay like Abhimanyu just knows how to enter into the 'Chkravyuha' but is ignorant of how to exit. This loop which starts on monday and goes upto friday is just the inner loop and as of now is without a break; statement. I really pray to GOD that this Dhananjay of present soon finds a way out of all the loops and emerge as a worthy of this name.
As Mr Benjamin Button in the movie, in a letter wrote to his daughter , I wish the same for my life and my collision course:
"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again". Amen

Still... the pain forever

'Its over' she said with a heavy heart and a choked voice, 'but I still love you and will always do'. With this she turned and walked away. And there he was down on his knees getting soaked up in rain looking down to the earth and the past came flashing before his eyes.....

"Do you believe in destiny?" she asked him. He looked into her eyes and replied "I am looking into it". She blushed and said, "stop this romance, I am serious. Tell me, do you believe in destiny, fate and luck. What if its not written for us to be together in future. What if there is someone else......"

----------------------------dark, black, nothingness----------------------------

He looked up and she was long gone, didn't even look back for once. Everything happened so quick that it felt like a dream. But, it was no dream, it was his worst nightmare coming true. He never knew the answer to her question but now he had only one word for it YES.
Again he felt like drowning in the cold water. There was light and he could see her......

She was still so beautiful, so elegant that his heart skipped a beat once again. But she seemed furious, gloomy but angry and suddenly he remembered the night when he saw it coming for the first time. "We were never supposed to be together... you of all have hurt me the most. Its not the first time that you have broken my heart into pieces. We were never destined to be anything more than friends and everything was a mistake."

----------------------------dark, black, nothingness----------------------------

His eyes opened once again but he was in pain. He wanted to cry but in this rain his tears betrayed him. And off course he knew there was nobody to cry for, nobody to hold him and make him realize that everything will be fine. So he lost to his destiny and his tears defeated him at the same moment. Now he knew it was his mistakes that drove them apart and he was ready to accept everything as a punishment. He started to get a grip and stand on his feet. How ironical it was, the rain which once seemed so romantic, today was hurting him with each drop. There was a faint smile on his face, but he wasn't sure of the reason for that smile. He took few steps but couldn't find strength to continue and there he dropped like a dead bird and again he felt cold black darkness around but this time he saw something which will haunt him till his death.....

It was the same day and there she was standing in front of him, all cried out. It was all on her face. He knew everything just by looking into those empty eyes. He knew there was nothing left for him. He was waiting for this and was ready to accept everything 'cos he knew he can't hold her forever. Life made him realize that it was never his destiny and he was ready to embrace it without any grudges for her. And then she said it but something happened, something unexpected, something which made him loose his senses. It's Over, she said looking him directly in the eyes, 'but I still love you and will always do'. This line shattered him. A lightening struck through the sinews of his brain. He lost his strength, fell on his knees and she turned and walked away, not able to see him in this condition.

----------------------------dark, black, nothingness----------------------------

He came back to his senses again and sat there cursing something he thought he now believed in. Why still? He asked. I was never meant for you. You always deserved someone better, at least better than me. I always knew I had my chance of having you but I missed it and will always live with this defeat. You always said, we were never destined to be together..... and I had made my peace with it. This time he found his tears, running down like a turbulent stream. His voice finding strength form nowhere and he was shouting at the sky above: Why now, why still and why for heavens' sake always? and then there was darkness again and these words sprouted from his lips....

I could have lived without you forever but now the guilt that I could have you for once will never let me die...

धुंद ...

ये नूर, ये जुस्तजू, ये कैफियत किस खुदा की है,
रास्ते ही रास्ते हैं अब, मंजिलें गुमशुदा सी हैं ।

बेबाक निगाहों मे सिर्फ खौफ़ दिखाई देता है,
नींद भी पलकों से कुछ जुदा सी है।

लहू की तासीर नम हो चली है,
दिल की तबियत भी अब ग़म ज़दाह सी है।

ज़िन्दगी की जूस्तजू भी फंना हो गई,
शमा की रौशनी भी अब धुआं सी है।

आयना केह रहा मेरे अक्स से,
आज फिर से तेरी आँखें क्यूँ रुआँ सी हैं।

किस बुत को सुनाऊँ ये दास्ताँ, किस से फ़रियाद करूँ,
लोग कहते थे की ये हैसियत तो बस उस खुदा की है।

...and I learn

After a while I learnt the subtle difference between being strong in this world and being insensitive to it, and I learnt that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. Though I had to be through many barbed wires, scorching suns, torrential rains, burning alleys and blizzards but I began to learn that presents aren't promises and I began to accept my defeats with my head up and eyes open, with the grace of a man, not the grief of a child. After a leap of faith I realized that even sunshine burns if you have too much, so I planted my own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers...
But even after this the road ahead was never easy and with every step I took, it challenged my faith and crippled my hope. Walking some miles down this lane I felt that at times hope seemed delusive, nothing more than a distraction and I learnt that to see beyond the mist I need to abondon HOPE...I turned cold to my surroundings and this is where I found the silver lining between my crust and my soul. Lost as I was without hope but then only I realized that I really can endure and I do have worth because I learn and I learn. I learn with evry single person I meet, I learn with every friend or lover, I learn with every single kiss and I learn with every good bye.
And this learning somewhere kindles the flame in me, stirs it and brings the song of Pippin form with in me....

Home is behind, the world ahead
there are many paths to tread.
Through shadow to the edge of night,
until the stars are all alight.
Mist and shadow, cloud and shade
all shall fade, all shall fade.............

I am Born.... Yet Again

Yeeeee finally its 6th. The breath holding, shuddering goosebumps out of frenzy, the anxiety, the feel that takes you to the top of this world is finally here....Oh!!!! the clock has just ticked. Its 12.00 a.m.... I am born. Happy birthday to me...
Ahhh.. whom am I kidding? It's nothing like this. NO goosebumps, no birthday bumps, no breath taking moments, no rainbow colored gift packs... Its just another day, nothing being special about it. I continue being nocturnal sitting in front of my computer waiting for my unlimited download to begin, writing this blog to kill my time till 2.00 a.m.
After 22 years of this yearly ritual there seems no charm to it. Every body including me is so used to it that this day seems to be lost amongst the 364+1 days of the year. A lot of people posted on my wall saying 'Happy Birth Day Ande', but now its tough to find a reason to be happy about this day. All grown ups are like this and probably I should feel happy for not being happy as this makes me one of them.
Retrospecting the past year of my life, there again seems no hope of being happy or celebrating blithely. There is yet another twist in dis limerick: there is a complete session every year where I sit quietly in my room making resolutions for the new year of my life. And now today when I tried, I found myself laughing at a series of broken rules, guidelines and committed peccadilloes and finally I renounced the procedure farcical. But still I found a reason to laugh so I should be happy for this.
I am not writing this because I have a grudge against the things that have changed the proclivity of this day but to express that things change and you have to change with them... Probably people who wished me at 12.00 a.m last year will call me today before 12.00 p.m and next year will send a card adding belated to their wishes but this will give me a complete year to prepare myself for the change, to grow and to find other reasons to be Happy on my Birth Day.

'Mother I will make you cry today'

Last week, 30th June marked yet another tragic event in the golden history of our motherland. Asif Rather, aged nine ran out of his home in Baramulla district in search of his elder brother but unfortunately instead of finding his brother, he found himself lacerated by a bullet fired by securitymen tearing his tender flesh and ripping him into pieces... Ironically this event couldn't even find a place in the newspaper let alone the T.V channels. How I come to know about this turpitude is again strikinglly shameful: a poem written by a member of planning commission in the 19th page of a national daily and that too after 4 days of the incident.
He was looking for Tauqeer his pal of all times, standing confused and afraid, away form his Maa, in the middle of a jungle of strangers with long legs where only this tiny little creature unfortunately met his inevitable fate but the question comes forth us: for how long we will blame fate and fortune for all these?
‘Gar firdaus, ruhe zamin ast, hamin asto, hamin asto, hamin asto", said Jahangir, but what have we made out of this heaven on earth? An innocent 9 year old falling victim to a bullet fired by his own countrymen and this is not just a boy, there have been thousands of Asif Rather killed in this bestiality in past and GOD only knows how many more. There seems to be no end to it. There once used to be love in the air, now there are bullets. The valley used to be a rainbow once, now its painted red. Mist used to be the cover of the night above the Dal, now there are fumes and flames allover.
As his blood runs cold on the streets of Baramulla the seven lines of Quran's first surah, echo in the sinews of our mind....
'Mother I will make you cry today'.....
"How many mothers of my Kashmir, the place where I was born, will cry today? Will cry tomorrow"? Asks the writer of that touching poem.


P.S: This post is dedicated to all those who have lost their life in the fiasco of Kashmir, who are fighting their days to live in that heaven where the phrase, safe haven has no meaning. It is a post dedicated to kashmiriyat, azadi, kaum and deshbhakti.

OMEGA Man.. the rise of the slain

Recently scientists have claimed to make a path breaking discovery down the anthropological chronology of Man. Long after the emergence of the alpha male amongst the different races of the homo sapiens, they have found an exactly opposite, new variant in the development of Man, called the OMEGA Man.
According to the studies this maladroit descendant of apes sleep in late, live blithely with his parents and doesn't have a regular salaried job but is still happy with his life. On a typical day, he wears tatty clothes, plays computer games and works on his music.
No doubt reading about the species rang certain bells in my head but the thing I was confused about was should I be happy for presently being the one amongst this rare species or should I be mortified by this subtle criticism and incessant ignominy. The Omega Man, be it Ben Stone in the movie 'Knocked up' or Andy Stilzer in the '40 year old virgin', has been celebrated profoundly in Hollywood but practically being the one certainly is a different experience which feels like you have been put into the Pillory, exposed to the implacable words of every single person around you.
I know my present situation and a lots of people like me as Omega Man is a hobson's choice but I cannot denigrate the fact on the grounds of just being coerced to be so. The plight of ours I hope will end soon but presently we helplessly belong to the category of the 'The OMEGA Man'. This is not an excuse for my state but to put forward the relentless agitation inside, may be writing this post make me less of an OMEGA Man.

The Frame on the Wall....

Last rains I found cracks on the walls, the walls inside which I exist. I don't know how seasons are playing but these walls have dampened and developed cracks that run down like the blue tears on her cheeks. Once these walls used to mark the fortress inside which there was a world, a world that defined me, a world that fortified my existence from the world outside these walls, a world that I assumed to be perfect. Rain used to dance on the window panes, writing undecipherable messages on the window glass with its finger like little drops but now it just seeps through those cracks and like me sits by the corner, terrified and confused. Inside those walls there used to seem no day, no night, everything I assumed had stopped but now suddenly the winds have changed. That frame on the wall seems to be tilted by the changing winds. The dampness running down the walls to the very corner stone has disturbed the foundations just like someone has dropped a pebble into the stagnant water of my existence but the difference is that the ripples are not just on the surface but reaching deep into my soul.
I don't know how long these walls will survive the foreplay of the season but I am sure that the worst or should I say the best is yet to come because the tilted frame on that wall speaks volumes of the forthcoming changes.....


P.S: This post is inspired from a poem written by the legendary Gulzar sahab. This is my interpretation to his poem reflecting my personnel inferences.

An argument with ME.....

Oh God I can't sleep, I really need to do something, in fact I need anything to do. Something is really wrong with me. Somewhere a part of me is dying in unrest, crying in pain, withering in this wide open emptiness that surrounds me lately. I really need to feed it with work. Gods help me.

{OK djai calm down. hold yourself, put your thoughts together. You can do it. Go find something productive to do.}

Ahhh.... its easy to say. I am shattered into pieces and its becoming impossible to put those pieces together. I don't even know what am I doing for the past one month.

{Come on forget about the past. Start with a new blog post. Now is a good time to pen down something interesting. lets see what we can write about. For start how about the old tree we saw yesterday. Naked, alone, dying, withered but still standing tall waiting for its color to return. Probably the story of our life. This will be easy for you as you are good at complaining about every thing around.}

Naaa... I don't think I am on the same page with that tree and probably its too clay shade to cry out loud publicly in blogs.

{So how about your guilt for the decisions you made. It will be an easy outlet for the grief and pain.}

You mean a post on those decisions that I was compelled to take when there was no solution because it was my responsibility, those decisions which were bound to make me the bad guy, those decisions which make me feel guilty for just being the one to take them. Are you frakking kidding me?

{Ok! Ok! I think that was a wrong string to pull. So how about this emptiness. This freaking state of your mind where you are trapped with your own subconscious, riddling about your next post on the blog, complaining about the things you aren't doing or should I say don't want to do. That will surely make an interesting post. Go ahead.}

Are you out of your mind? What will they think of me- I have gone nuts, out off the rails. Putting up things on the blog that I hear out loud whenever I close my eyes to sleep which probably is just an imagination of my filthy mind. The very thoughts that haunt me for the past couple of weeks out of my freaking, frakking idleness. The insanity I have been living since I lost all the goals of my life. The things I have put on stake for a part of me that wants to be hibernated for good.

Well I suppose you are right, I should put this. You know why, 'cos I dnt care. May be this is the real me. Go on read it once again and comment on it. Call me a freak, crazy, outlandish whatever you want. I really dnt care. I just want to go back to sleep in peace, satisfied that atleast I have done something, I have written something no matters if it is about my freaking paranoia......

.....those days when we were lost

With every piece of my life falling apart, every important thing is going haywire. With hope, faith and destiny conspiring against me, my belief in myself is shaken. I once again stand alone with all my strength drained out fighting for each gasp of breath, waiting for the fiasco to subside. Today I'm confused, lost in my pursuit and most importantly frightened of every step I take.
At this point I come to understand the value of faith in life. Not only it gives you a ground to grow upwards but also the support to expand beneath the surface and this expansion is very important as it gives you the strength to face the storm. Where I am right now is a place of darkness with nothing going my way. Nobody from the sky above is ready to answer my call. There are lost hopes, despair and disappointment in the air around me.. There is no one whom I can blame, my potentials are weak and my team is tired of cutting sorry figures every where.
A push is all I need, a ray of light to shatter the darkness is all what I ask. I know our efforts are sincere but probably it isn't our destiny, I really don't care. I think now is the time for a LEAP OF FAITH........



P.S: This is to all those people who understand the feeling what we had been through those days when we were lost but together, facing the wind, making history 'cos great things are never made easily .....

My Truce...

Parwana- an obsessed lover; a name given to the moth in urdu that is attracted towards Shama- the flame. Well, why is it so, I can only guess. Perhaps the moth is personified as an obsessed lover 'cos it sacrifices its life for the love of Shama.
The divine love between the two has been a muse for many writers, poets & lyricists, who have exquisitely presented the devotion of the Parwana for his love.
But today, going through a metaphorical tunnel that connects me to that Divine Love I realized the other side of the story, the one that is less evident. Sacrificing life to meet his love, a die hard hopeless romantic, Parwana gives an obvious evidence of his love but what if Shama has the same feeling for him too. Unable to express, waiting for the love of her life, she maintains her calm but finally when the time comes, when her lover is there to embrace her, to hold her in his arms for eternity, she helplessly watches her love burning with her. Crying with pain she couldn't even express her love & tell him about the dark, lonely nights she had waited for him.
And now living with a guilt she knows everybody speaks of his sacrifice blaming her as a cause but no one cares for her loss. Nobody knows the pain in which she burns for her entire life, the guilt in her for being the cause,nobody cares. But she knows her love was pristine, her devotion was pious and her dedication was selfless.
She knows, though she was helpless, her soul is committed to him......and this is her truce...... MINE TOO..

Behind the mist....

Why this night seems so hazy? In fact why life seems so pointless? It seems every little thing is hidden behind the mist and i am waiting in a fix for someone to direct me..... I can feel the void stretching and taking me away from myself. life seems to be a puzzle where every piece is falling apart, lost in the throes of a downturn.. I can hear the clock ticking, every second shudders the essence inside me. and I really want to help but there is something I can't understand. HOW?
I am scared... not 'cos I am coward but that numinous feeling is holding me back. Why I have become this way is really an enigma to me, but then a lot of things have been concealed lately. It was hard when i had a point to focus but its harder when its vague. Now life seems purposeless and tough. I stand on a dilemma: whether i should be happy about myself or should remain unsatisfied and lost, waiting for the cards to be dealt.
Whatever my destiny holds i really don't care 'cos that's something i can't change but that fear of uncertainty is gripping me from inside 'cos somethings are going to change.

...and here i miss her again

A smile on her face that gives you every ounce of energy to live…. For which you can move mountains… for which u transcend every barrier and for which u can even die……. Your success feels like nothing without it. You work day in day out to see that one sweet smile and finally when you are there its nothing without it….. Standing in nothingness, where everybody thinks u have had achieved wonders but you feel like devoid of your soul that breathes through you.

Today I know what it feels like to be at the top, still feeling at the EBB. Today when I stand at the most significant junction of my life I miss her smile… that pat on my back, that glow in her eyes. It’s very hard to hide your grief but it’s even harder to show that u r happy. I miss her like she has never been there with me. I miss her as she has never been away from me. I don’t know how to tell her but I miss her today like she has always been somewhere in me.

I know somewhere sitting quietly by the river with a tear or two running down her cheeks and with those heavy eyes she is looking into me like she always used to, peaking into my soul and saying I AM HAPPY FOR U…..